We had baby dreams about life — part 1

I was raised by educated parents who always insisted we keep away from drugs and other addictive things. But I was a scornful girl lashing out at them for bringing me to this world to fulfill their fantasies. They would try to smother my rage by insisting that I keep good company but that only spoilt me to ruinous proportions. I started to use drugs to take pleasure in my solitude and to keep away from parental affection, which, I thought, was just a honey trap. It has been years now and when I venture to rummage through the convoluted folds of my past; I feel a sharp chill running down my spine. I am overwhelmed by the feeling of repentance and my inner soul cries out for penance.

I was the eldest child but the sense of maturity never dawned on me. I was a carefree creature taking blind turns into the world of narcotics. I had cousins into drug mould and they made me familiar with the nuggets of addiction. Lying beside them all day and watching them make smoke rings was too tempting. I grew curious and took my first drag. I took the whole thing as fashion statement but I was wrong - I was taking slow dive into addiction.

I fell for a guy in the 10th grade. We had baby dreams about life. I eloped with him and settled at his place. But to my disappointment, my husband had four more brothers accustomed to living in perennial intoxication. I lived there for few months but it felt like years. I was slipping into drugs and my husband was already neck-deep into it. I wanted to clean up and start anew. But it was easier said than done. Then things started to go really wrong – my husband was unfaithful to me and would pick up fights ever so often. I was deceived and it was too late to correct the old mistake. I had nowhere to go. Days passed in constant fear and insecurity and after two months, it felt like the sky had fallen on my head – I was pregnant and I was just 16. I had to tell it to the father of the child but couldn’t dare to do so. But I had to do it. I informed him. He asked me to give birth, leave the baby and walk away. I was devastated.

How could I do that? How could a mother leave her child to a monster and walk back in peace? Moreover, I wasn’t ready to bear the responsibility of being a mother. I was too young to raise a child. My mother came to my rescue this time. I underwent an abortion and started living with my parents. But I had tough times settling down again. I couldn’t bear the scorn and took to drugs again. I just wanted to forget everything that shredded my life into pieces. I couldn’t sleep without drugs. I tried everything. I was a poly-user. I just went on drugging myself so I could catch sleep. I started to have altercations with my parents so I opted to live alone and left home.

I started to work for a reputed company with a decent payroll. But that could barely afford my daily doses. I did everything to keep the supply smooth – borrowed money, worked extra hours and took odd jobs as well. I am glad I didn’t have to ask for a single penny from my parents to manage the doses. And I didn’t put my body on sale for an ounce. I was a self-sustained standard junkie. But my parents came looking for me again. I fled to Dharan.

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